Anna Lete: Understanding Bipolar Disorder

Anna Lete. Photo from @annaxmania.

Anna Lete discusses mental health, the poetry community, and being a Filipino creative. Find her on Instagram at @annaxmania, where she continually shares about her life, craft, and culture. 

A conversation between Anna and Narisma

Hi Anna! Thanks for speaking with me. I can’t believe we’ve known each other for about three years now! We met through Instagram and I was enamored by your poetry and visual art. Could you please describe what someone may expect to see on your Instagram page (@annaxmania)? Do you think you have a particular style or themes/topics you regularly discuss?

It depends on how bored I am. 

I go through phases with my writing or art in general depending on my mood. If you look at my Instagram page right now, all you’d see are blackout poems ‘cause I got obsessed with blackout poetry recently. . Rather, I got bored with everything else I was doing last year and discovered blackout poetry. 

There are months where all I do is magnetic poetry. You know, those tiny magnets that have words on them and you’re supposed to stick them onto a refrigerator, but I like them on my white table ‘cause I care about my aesthetic. 

And there are times. . Really rare though. . Where I actually do some long prosetry. It’s prose trying its best to be poetry basically. Sometimes I do it alone. Sometimes I collaborate with @iridescenceofbeing or @vayouking and I think I’ve done some with you. And it’s rare because it sucks all the energy out of me. And there are times I don’t post it ‘cause I’m saving it for a zine or a book. 

As cliche as it sounds, I think I normally ramble on about hope. Or how hope is supposed to chase my darkness away. And I feel that that theme has made its way into almost everything I have written. . Whether it’s about family or friends or my own mental state or this frustrating lockdown and the government. . There’s always a line or two that’s like. . Wait! Hope is on its way!

I came across you in 2017, and you were one of the first people I knew in our Instagram community who openly discussed mental health. Do you think this creative space is a useful tool in spreading awareness? Has this specific aspect of our community changed since you started?

I think the hype of mental health awareness is real. . Thanks to social media and influencers who talk about it and even the other random accounts. I’m somewhat thankful for that because it’s easier to talk about mental illness now. It’s easier to open a conversation about it. It’s easier to tell people what you have and most of the time they won’t judge. I think the downside is that maybe someone just feels sad and then they end up taking an online test or they relate to a certain post and then they forever think they’re depressed. Like it stops there. And it shouldn’t! 

While I do think social media or the arts or writing on Instagram is a useful tool in spreading awareness. . You still have to be careful about what words or what posts you let into your brain. And if you are an advocate for mental health, you also have to be extra careful about how you behave and what you share on social media because you don’t want anyone to misconstrue your words and take it to heart. So yeah, use Instagram for mental health awareness. . Use it as a journal to express yourself. . But please know that it’s not a substitute for professional help. 

Would you mind telling me a bit more about your personal experience with mental health?

I always felt that there was something off about me.

Growing up, my mom would always say, “You’re so moody, Anna!” I could never understand how everyone else was always “on” or “in the mood” every single day. 

When I was 18, I was raped for a few months during my first year in college. I thought that summer break in Thailand would be a time for me to get over it. But when I came back from Thailand and had to go back to college, di ko kinaya! I stopped going to college for one semester and during that time. . Day in and day out. . I would be practically crying my eyes out at my counselors’ office. 

Yup, counselor. My parents decided to bring me to a really good counselor who helped me “get over it” as fast as I could so I could start college again in another school. While the counselling sessions helped a lot. . I wasn’t officially diagnosed with anything and I wasn’t given any medication. Looking back, maybe my parents should have brought me to a psychiatrist already. 

I started seeing my psychiatrist who I fondly call Shrink in 2016. . About six years after I saw the counselor. . When I couldn’t get out of bed. And for my birthday that year. . Shrink was like, “Happy birthday! You have Bipolar II. And PTSD. And OCD. And anxiety. And some kind of eating disorder. Here are some meds and more meds and more meds. Oh btw, this is a lifelong condition we’re dealing with.” 

I am particularly interested in bipolar disorder, which you frequently mention in your work. How does this experience differ from other mood disorders, such as (unipolar) depression?

There are many different types of bipolar and I have bipolar II. 

This is actually pretty hard to diagnose because people usually seek help when they are depressed. . Like what I did. I couldn’t get out of bed so I saw my Shrink for it and my Shrink initially thought that I had depression. That diagnosis was corrected a month later, when I exhibited signs of hypomania.

Sooo. . In Bipolar II, a person experiences both depression and hypomania or what some call highs and lows. It differs from depression mainly because with bipolar II, I have to deal with that surge of hypomania that drives me to shop until my bank accounts read zero balance available or I think I’m god and can take on the world. . And then I crash really bad and might spend weeks in bed just getting out to eat or bathe. And then there are good days where I just feel like myself. 

Bipolar disorder seems to be particularly misunderstood. Many people insinuate that bipolar disorder isn’t a valid condition because it surrounds the idea of “mood swings”, which everyone has. Others may acknowledge bipolar disorder but fantasize it (like many other mental illnesses), especially manic behavior and energy. What do you have to say to these assumptions? How are they false or potentially damaging?

Let’s switch lives for at least a week and you’ll know how hard it is to deal with and cope with Bipolar II!!

Seriously though, I went through this phase where I just shut up about my mental illness. It was getting rather tiring to hear “it’s all in your head,” “you look fine,” “just be strong,” and all other random sayings that I’ve had to block out from my memory. Hearing all these made me feel so alone in my struggles. . Like I had no one to turn to except a few close friends who actually took the time to understand what I was dealing with. 

(And although I am pretty open about my Bipolar II and my mental health in general, I do not read comments on my blog to protect myself from unexpected toxic positivity and random platitudes people type that make no sense at all.)

A recurring theme in this blog is the overall stigmatization of mental illness, especially in minority communities, due to economic, cultural, and religious reasons. Would you say this is true here in the Philippines? What does the social landscape regarding mental health look like to you?

I don’t want to generalize because what I went through and what I’m going through is entirely different from other people. 

I have had to deal with well meaning religious people who “prayed the demons away” and when I attended church a week later, they asked how I was. When I said I was still depressed, they told me that I wasn’t praying hard enough and I didn’t put my full faith in God. I have had to deal with loving titas and titos who just didn’t understand why I would step outside during reunions to hide my panic attacks. I have had to deal with covering up my self harm wounds because mothers at the mall would pull their kids away from me when I was in line to buy milk tea. 

On the other hand, we also have more people advocating for mental health. There are so many support groups now that actively encourage others to open up and seek help. There are more hotlines to call when you feel depressed or suicidal or you just need to talk to someone. We now also have the mental health law passed. So I think the landscape is slowly  changing. . And it’s a good thing! 

Do you believe it’s difficult to seek mental health treatment (either for you personally or for Filipinos in general)? What is the experience of medication and/or therapy like for you?

It depends.

I mean, there are so many factors involved in seeking treatment. One of the first things I think we all deal with is having to acknowledge and accept that we actually need help. That’s one hurdle that has to be tackled and then we’re on to the next which is actually going out into the world to look for help.

Personally, I didn’t have a hard time seeking treatment. I remember I sent a Viber message to my aunt who put me in touch with a Shrink and I had an appointment a few days later. My aunt was nice enough to pay for my first five sessions with my Shrink and then I was on my own to find a way to shell out Php1,500.00 every time I went. The cost of medications is another thing I have to deal with and they are expensive. 

The sad reality is that not a lot of people have aunts who know of psychiatrists they can just recommend on the spot. Not a lot of psychiatrists have open slots ready to see everyone who needs to be seen. Not a lot of people have an extra Php1,500.00 (and that’s relatively cheap considering that other psychiatrists charge Php2,000 up and they factor in how long your session is) to shell out every once. . Twice. . Thrice a month. Not a lot of people can afford the cost of medication even with a PWD discount. The harsh truth is that it costs money to seek professional help and treatment and not all can afford it. 

~

I have a love hate relationship with medication.

There are days when I tell my Shrink I want to give up medication. I have flushed my pills down the toilet, thrown them in the trash, left them in my bag to rot. To be honest, I’d rather just do therapy. Don’t get me wrong, therapy is a lot of work and it involves a lot of trust. But there are days when it’s easier to talk about what I’m going through than to swallow pills to help myself cope.

My Shrink likes asking me, “How are you with your meds, Anna?” And I think after years of being on medicine I have finally found a way to explain how I feel on them. 

Imagine a line with 0 in the middle which represents normalcy. On the left are negative numbers which we’ll use to represent depression. On the right are positive numbers which we’ll use to represent hypomania. Without medicine, my depression could be at -10 and my hypomania could be at 8. When I take my medicine, my depression could be at -5 and my hypomania could be at 4. Maybe I’ll never hit 0. But the idea is to come a bit close to it.

I’ve noticed that you are also politically active on your Instagram page, especially for Filipino affairs such as speaking out against dictatorship under President Duterte. Do you often find your creative work intersecting with larger social issues? How do you think we can advocate for awareness online? 

I think I only started speaking out online about my political stand during this pandemic. . I mean come on, pandemic na nga pero kung ano ano pa yung inaatupag!

All these political issues became so real for me during this pandemic. And how could it not, diba? (Art Mart was cancelled indefinitely. Craft Story Cebu that sold some of my group’s art products closed down. My friends were scrambling to keep their jobs and feed their families. My boyfriend’s business is barely breaking even until now. Our yaya was turned away by several hospitals so that she suffered a miscarriage. Our other yaya lost two relatives to COVID because their province wasn’t fully equipped to deal with it.)

And so I found myself in the middle of one of the busiest cities in the country and everything just stopped, but our lives continued on. I was lucky enough to be locked down here, where even though it was still Hunger Games in the grocery at least may pagkain. . At least minsan may mask at alcohol. . At least may medisina at kung wala pwede mag order. But my friends in Antipolo? My parents’ friends in Cainta? This impoverished community we help in Taytay? Char (@sicharsb) in Parañaque? My family in Bacolod? Some of them would go out to get food or medicine and come back with nothing. So I became everyone’s alay spending entire mornings in line, memorizing too many grocery lists, and fighting my way through the crowded aisles at the supermarket just so that others would have what they needed. 

And it was during one of those long boring waits in line where I was like. . Fuck it! If @luialcazaren can voice his opinions and not be afraid, so can I. I have to talk about this. I have to write about this. I have to make some noise about this! Tapos sunod sunod na yun. . From our government’s COVID response to ABS -CBN shutdown, that terror law, all the killings, all the deaths that didn’t have to happen. How can you just stay silent about it?! How can all this not make its way into your art at some point?! How can you not use your platform to speak the truth?! 

You run an Instagram feature page (@writersph) with your friends @sicharsb, @iridescenceofbeing, and @minanatividad. I am honored to have had my poems appear on various ‘Yosi Break’ IGTV episodes (which are very entertaining). Would you mind sharing a bit more about what the intentions of this page are, and why you decided to start it?

As always, @iridescenceofbeing and I got bored and started a page.

I guess you can say that we didn’t really have a goal in mind and we just wanted it to be a place where Filipino writers could be seen and could connect with each other. 

During the lockdown, I asked @sicharsb if she wanted to do a live show with me. I’d read the English poems and she’d sing some songs. And then I realized. . Shit! What about the Filipino poems? I practically begged @minanatividad to join us.

I have no idea where this page is going or what it should look like years from now. Lately though, we’ve been exploring the idea of helping the community in a more tangible way by promoting fundraising projects and also spearheading some ourselves. 

Thanks so much for speaking with me. Before you go, I wanted to mention that in 2019, you were published as one of the various authors of Joyful Light: Modern Christian Poetry by Filipino Women. You graciously gifted me a copy, and I loved it. I also know you are continually active with arts, crafts, and more. Do you have any plans regarding your work? What does the near future of your writing and art look like?  

It looks like. . I got bored and got busy creating.